What Exactly Is My Problem?

20120329-212708.jpg

Today I saw a video of a young girl giving some kind of singing performance. It looked like a small gathering of parents or something… maybe a school thing? Or a small singing concert for her teacher? I’m not sure. She is about 14 years old now, I think. I gave her singing lessons when she was about 9 and boy does she sound so different (and awesome!!) now that she’s maturing.

Watching her sing brings pangs of envy. Her parents are very musical and have always encouraged and helped harness her musical talent. My parents, while not so musical, have always encouraged me to sing, too. And watching this girl sing on the video at 14 years old makes me cry at my parents in my head “Why didn’t you take me to singing lessons? Why didn’t you do more for me?”… Of course I know that my parents had many financial difficulties when I was growing up. And not only that, living in a small town, I lacked opportunity.

But, let’s face it, it’s been 10 years since I lived with my parents and they were responsible, in part, for giving me singing lessons or what ever. And they did give me just about everything that I wanted in that sense. Ballet lessons, drama lessons, drama camps, piano lessons… etc. It’s definitely not my parents fault that I didn’t have singing lessons or concerts when I was 14. And since moving out of home I’ve had 10 years to do what I want to do. It’s me who I should be asking “Why didn’t you take me to more singing lessons?”… It’s me who has been delaying this. Or maybe it has just taken me this long to realise just how important this is to me and just how important it is that I get it done.

Sometimes I can be hard on myself, though. In the ten years since I moved out of home I have worked on my singing and I have performed and what-not. I spent a year working and studying as a singer which meant practicing and having singing lessons every day as well as performing at least 5 times a week. I studied music and musical theatre at university, too. I was at university for 5 years. And I’ve sung with a number of bands at weddings and various other functions. I’ve sung at a gazillion family weddings and funerals (ok, maybe not a gazillion) and I’ve taught and mentored at various vocal workshops in different parts of the world.

So what exactly is my problem? What’s going on here?

Well, basically, I’m not singing now. I’m not performing. And so I feel as though I haven’t achieved anything singing wise. And the older I get the more I fear that I’m getting… well, too old.

*sigh*

What to do but get on with it, huh?
I need to make the time to practice & learn & create.
I need to.

xxx